I always wrote back home in lots of journals what I was thinking about, and put those feelings into my stories, I kinda wish I had those with me now, so i could keep working on them, they weren't quite finished yet, I had a lot still to add...
I can't stop thinking about a lot of the things I left behind, Don't get me wrong! I would've regret my decision forever if I'd have chosen to stay in America1 I absolutely love it here, just, those nagging thoughts in the back of my head, what might have been IF I really hadn't gone away like this. Like if i hadn't of gone, would I still be with my horse? Would I still have taken Japanese through the Columbia Gorge CC? Maybe I'd even still have my job at Ayutla's perhaps? I miss a lot of things. I miss my piano, and how I loved even cleaning it, I miss watching all sorts of movies with my dad, ranging from Spoof comedy to gore, always the best times especially when we both got really into the movie and kept predicting what would happen, or just laughing so hard at dinner my mom would make me leave the room because I couldn't stop laughing and was crying!
I miss seeing my friends, Bree, Josh, Cody, Dusty, Doug, Jess, Sienna, everyone....I miss those who were really a huge part of my life, Asa, Josh-E, Jeremiah, Sean...my family..It sucks being this far away and knowing you have to miss a lot of important things...my dad's surgery, my mom's cooking, and even my brother...who I don't even know if I'm going to see for another 3-4 years!! As if 1 isn't already bad enough, I miss him a lot...I wish we'd been closer growing up, I know the age difference played a huge part of it, but still, I think it could have been a bit different.
Reminds me a lot of Jeremiah, the way he was talking when he told me goodbye right before I left, a feeling I'm certainly NOT going to let go of the entire time I'm here. When Keshia first knew I liked and at RBC, dang that just started it all. Lol, looking back it's nice to remeber his smile, how much confidence it gave me whenever he would say something as simple as, "You can do it, I know you can." I felt as though i could stop time itself it seemed...or how funny he thought it was whenever I saw his with the bulls, or the guys too just roughousing... I feel bad at how much I bothered him right before I left...
Things are really going to be different when I get back I'm sure. I'll have changed, My friend's will have changed. Can't stop time though, best foot forward as much as you can,
Keep On Smilin'
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