Yeah, I haven't updated this is quite some time, and i realize that.
Lots has happened really. We're going to Korea in a few weeks for a school trip, that's actually only designed to renew our tourist visas because they expire the EXACT day we leave for Korea.
Oh well, their logic is flawed anyway.
Horrible. That's the only way to describe that past few weeks.
Up and down, more lows than highs. Homesickness has hit me like none other,
and old habits are catching up to me. I've always had trouble opening up to people in my life,
lots of people can agree with me. But it's caught me here bad, trying to open up to my family here
in another country is such a struggle. I'm not saying we don't get along!
But I'm saying I'm not close to them, not like I should be. Which also begs to bring in that I'm really
struggling in Japanese still, and I'm at the point where I'm going to ask if one of the advanced students can tutor me, because I seriously need it.
Biggest low:
I don't fit in here.
There are a maximum of maybe 2 people I really connect with and can talk to.
and they already have their own groups, so I can barely see them.
I'm officially a floater (i think loner is better suited though).
People aren't excluding me from things, I'm not pushed away. But even when I try and go along with them, since they never invite me, it feels as though I'm treated as a bother tag-a-long they wish would go away. Coming from a socially oriented life in WA I've basically done a 180, and I'd rather be alone then try and go along with them any more. I never wanted this, this sucks. Oh, add the stress from school. Yep, just add that to the mix as well. I assure you, it won't hurt. (Right *rolls eyes*) I only have to deal with SYA for the nine months. So, I'm just focusing on my host family and the experiences now, yeah I'll give it my best in school, but that's it. I didn't come for the schooling, I came for the living abroad experience, and to see how much I can grow from this. Frustrated, that's all i've been feeling. Frustrated with myself, with this retarded school system that needs to be fixed, annoyed with the people i have to go to school with.....
I can't give up on this though. I spent all summer working for it. and so many others helped me get here, I'm not going to let them down.
I'm so scared of making mistakes lately, I don't try anything, so I won't make any.
Which I'm beginning to notice is taking it's effect by falling behind in Japanese.
Since I get scared to speak it, I'm not progressing with it. Can I have a counselor now? Someone just needs to wrap Shelby into a box and mail her to me after Macy's Day Parade, she'll do.
so....much....stuff.
Please leave a comment!! :)
I'm proud of you, for sticking with it and for overcoming some challenging things, Shelb! You know we love you and think you're awesome. I can hear through your writing that you're growing, learning, maturing into the beautiful young lady God's created you to be! Keep fighting the Good Fight, missy! Have fun in Korea! Take pictures and post them on FB!!! Love you, girly! <3
ReplyDeleteHey Shelby! I can imagine it's tough -- especially after the initial excitement wears off and you have to settle into life there. But I don't think it will stay tough the entire time. There will be good things and meaningful things, too. The people I know who have lived abroad have told me that there is a steep learning curve in a new culture, but I believe eventually you will fit in.
ReplyDeleteI think the best advice I can offer is to remember that in 20 years you will look back on this adventure with fondness. So look around for the experiences that you will want to take with you through life, and don't worry too much about the other stuff.
Hang in there. We are proud of you for setting your sights on something so ambitious and achieving it. It's amazing!